Davante Lewis to Team Up With HaSizzle In "Defining Moment" to Lower the Temperature of the Planet
Toss in a transgender bounce queen for an extra degree of long-term cooling
"Make Big Oil Pay!"
Global Temperatures are expected to take a tumble this Friday as Louisiana Public Service Commissioner Davante Lewis and HaSizzle will team up in New Orleans’ Armstrong Park in a “defining moment” event with high aspirations: to save lives, reduce global warming and “Make Big Oil Pay!”
The elite duo of Lewis & Sizzle will be augmented by the twerking azz of Big Freedia. “There’s only one way this day will go,” assure event organizers, “lower global temperatures and finally an end to Exxon-Mobil!”
(Oil producers stock prices crashed last week with the announcement of the upcoming defining moment.)
The consequence of fossil fuel use - modernity - demands a robust scolding from Lewis & Sizzle, event promoters say.
Expect Lewis to make the case that Big Oil owes us for the lifestyles it provides, while Mr Sizzle will stick his tongue out at the climate, making it scurry away into any nearby cooler corner. Freedia’s performances are often accompanied by lower temperatures, which IPCC climatologists describe as “a well-understood and fully predictable” outcome.
“What choice will climate have but to finally listen and do what it’s told?!” wrote Lewis in a crayon-scribbled statement released on a Louisiana Public Service Commission beverage napkin.
Sizzle (HaSizzle to friends and family) will “hold nothing back” as he leverages the power of all 15,014 monthly Spotify listens in his demand for a cooler planet.
“Bitch, the friends shake togetha’ stay togetha’. Ya bitches heard me?” said Sizzle as he boldly and directly challenged Global Temperatures when Friday’s event news broke.
“But Big Freedia’s the cherry on top” says the Power Up In the Gulf team (though, biased as we are here at The BEC, Lewis is the sweeter cherry - it’s not even close - and Big Freedia is never likely one to be on top.)
Lewis announced the event on his Twitter page and scores were immediately seen hurrying to Armstrong Park to beat the expected crowds who hope to stave off their imminent deaths if the event, God forbid, is rained out.
Governments the world over are expected to cave to Lewis & Sizzle’s demands and, come Friday, will force producers to shut down all oil drilling, processing, and distribution.
“Bitches, ya on ya own,” said soon-to-be former BP CEO Bernard Looney.
When asked how people will warm themselves when the cooler temperatures descend upon them, Lewis advised them to do as he tells his mother to do: “Sleep on the solar panels on your roof, and stop complaining!”
And when Global Temperatures learned that Freedia’s hit “Azz Everywhere” will be played Friday, they made preparations to drop by a whopping three degrees!
Freedia and his her azz, along with the Lewis & Sizzle Duo will see you Friday at Armstrong Park.
Keep your kid’s azzes twerkin’ and bring a heavy coat.
I've been waiting for Big Freedia to save the world for the last decade. I bet he can solve the Israel/Palestine conflict too.