A Blast To the Covid Past
How freakishly weird and oppressive our local political leaders became
This writer mistrusted the official narrative about Covid from the very start. I offer you this sampling of my written output from that dark era:
"We're not done yet"
Nailing a stunningly convincing imitation of an oppressive Communist regime, the Cantrell Administration announced that it has shut down four New Orleans bars that recently stayed open past 11 o'clock p.m.
"The recent discovery that the Covid-19 virus can tell time has forced our hand" says a high level public health official in the New Orleans Mayor's office. "Knowing the difference between Central and Mountain Time zones is just something we couldn't have planned for" continued the official, speaking anonymously.
Administration officials assure this reporter that, had it not been for the chronologically-unique attributes of Covid-19, novel in the viral world say researchers, the administration would not need to take such punitive measures. "What to do with a Timex wearing virus?" lamented the official.
The New York Times reports that Covid will infect twenty-three year old bar drinkers only after 11:08 p.m. Twenty-four year old males standing, but not seated, at the bar are infected only between 11:15 and 11:54 p.m. Thirty-one year old women with two siblings who are seated near the windows of any bar are infected by the virus only at 11:48 p.m. if they are wearing socks. Thirty-three year old women who dye their hair (any color, though green seems to be a Covid favorite) and with a size shoe smaller than 9 and who are wearing any variation of the colors yellow, red, or blue above the waist are infected by the virus if they order a drink made with only premium vodkas.
Studies are not conclusive for people who drink gin, though the Cantrell Administration cautions those imbibing and encourages them to drink tequila, as the virus is Chinese and not Mexican.
In a dramatic surprise to researchers, the virus has been proven to target bar drinkers taller than 5-8, of any gender, whose middle initial is a vowel. (Studies are ongoing for those shorter than 5-8, or for those with a consonant as a middle initial, reports the Washington Post).
It is unknown the impact of February 29th on the virus, so officials are discouraging anyone from drinking at any bar in a Leap Year.
"Covid is quite the joker," laughs virus expert Karl Von Karlston of the University of Vermont, who is leading a team of bar-drinking researchers who have volunteered to expose themselves to the time-telling Covid-19, this as "a service to humanity" says the head of the team (which has been nominated for a Nobel Prize.)
The four New Orleans bars forcibly closed overnight for violating City Hall's coronavirus restrictions are:
Cadi Corner, 2802 Cherry St. TJ Quills, 7600 Maple St. The District, 711 Tchoupitoulas St. The Red Eye, 852 South Peters St.
Researchers at Stanford have suggested that Covid avoids bars situated on avenues, preferring bars on streets. Today's announcement seems to confirm the researchers' suspicions.
A City Hall spokesperson said that imprisonment of the owners of the street bars is being considered; owners of bars on avenues need not fear arrest.
In a separate announcement yesterday, the Mayor's office confirmed rumors that Latoya Cantrell has enthusiastically accepted an invitation to visit Beijing next year, this on a "fact-finding" mission in an effort to improve her effectiveness as mayor of the City That Care Forgot.